Reactions to bad news.

I've been writing this post for ages, and just don't seem to be able to get much sense out of my thoughts, but there definitely seems to be something there that won't go away. So I'll try again.

There is something really interesting me about the reactions people have to bad news, or difficult situations. It isn't the reactions themselves (although that has been interesting) it's more the difference between what I have been expecting and how I've got it wrong.

This is pretty much the first time I've been on the receiving end of this kind of attention, and it has firstly made me analyse what I have done in the past in similar situations, and what I would want to do now. My overwhelming feeling is that concern and well wishes are really apparent and obvious, regardless of words and actions - so there is no right and wrong. It really doesn't matter.

Secondly, I love where I have called it wrong. I am really interested in people, and relationships, and I like to think that I really know the people I know - including how they will react to things like this. But I have been very wrong, and I have loved the surprise of that.

This entire situation has thrown up some real positives in my life (different post coming on that) and one of the main ones is realising how many people are out there that care about me. The way people have reacted shows that they understand me, and they are on my wave length and are able to connect in their own way to make me feel better. With real thought.

It has been a revelation to realise that so many people know me and I have been challenged to rethink a lot of my relationships, in a more positive light. It has been great.

An unexpected pleasure.

I've been really surprised how much I've enjoyed writing over the last two weeks. At first, it really was just a brain dump to get the thoughts out of my head in the hope I could let them go. But it has become something that I really look forward to, and spend a lot of time thinking about.

There is a bigger piece to this brewing about how it feels being so open, which I am not at all used to, and also how it is affecting the people closest to me. It's on the way, but in the meantime this is really just a recognition that I enjoy the process of the writing. Totally unexpectedly.

I always had a bit of a romantic view of writing and it's something that I've really wanted to be good at - but was very paranoid about. I never really had anything to write about before and I really like having the time to think about it now. It is keeping me busy, and is forcing me to think about what I want to say. It also helps me feel much more in control and self aware.

But I wasn't expecting to enjoy it so much!

It is really wonderful to hear that people are reading it too. I love watching the page stats go up and wondering who just read that? What did you read?

And up again.

I've had a really nice day today. I wanted to log it as I feel like I've been focussing a bit on the negative recently and this shows that really it is just up and down. That's just how it goes.

It was a beautiful sunny day and I took myself off for a walk. I had a lunchtime visitor, I dried some washing on the line and I watched a film. I even had an afternoon snooze on the sofa. When mum and Olly came home we had a lovely evening together and now I'm really tired and going to bed, so hopefully I will sleep.

Again, I feel really lucky. We have been making exciting plans involving drumming, which I'm sure you will hear about, and I have just the most amazingly understanding friends. I've got a really great load of things happening in the week ahead of surgery and I'm going to make the most of it. What's the worst that can happen eh?

Hurray xx