Tuesday, October 09, 2012

TIme to address the subject of hair.

So. Vanity. I've been struggling with this one. Given the choice, what would you be worrying about more?:
  1. complete strangers sawing open your skull and rummaging around in your head trying to remove something stuck on your brain, or
  2. what you'll look like with a shaved head

Hmm, tough call. I'd like to say that it's because I'm just avoiding thinking about the surgery but I'm actually pretty sure that it's mostly down to vanity. And possibly control.

I shaved my head when I was 18, and to be honest it was probably more to make a statement than anything else. But the thing then was I didn't really care, I was going travelling, it was hot, I could wear a cap at all times and it grew back in a funky way while I worked as a volunteer in Brixton, where clearly noone gives a shit.

But I'm mid thirties now, and could really do with keeping my job and being taken seriously. Logically I know that it will be fine and everyone will understand and I'll not be judged or anything but I just can't shake the feeling of violation.

I use my hair as camouflage. I can make it curly, or straight, or neat and businessy, or messy and cool. Or anything I like really. But when it's shaved off there will just be my bumpy skull, no padding or hiding or chance of deflecting attention. It will be a big beacon - Look! Ill person!

Olly had bought me a really nice scarf though, in case it gets really cold.

The other thing about the hair is this control thing. Everyone has theories on what I should do and when, but I think I'm going to just stick to my guns. With the tumour being right at the top of my head they will need to shave a big circle off the top. If I don't cut the rest off I will look like a monk. The entertainment value of this I believe would be short lived. And I can't be arsed with the combover thing, I am folically challenged enough as it is.

So, I want to cut it all off. Now. And just get it over and done with. If it's already gone then it's something I can stop thinking and wondering about. It won't be an extra deal when I wake up from surgery. Well, I spose it will but it won't be as much as I'll have already got used to it being short. But something is still stopping me, it's such a big thing. Think I'll do it at the weekend.

Alone. At last. But luckily not for long.

Just realised this is the first time I have been truly on my own for absolutely ages. Olly is at work and mum's in college. Neville is here ovvo and in fact I know that both Beka and Laura and Sarah are on their way - but the solitude is actually quite nice. To think I was worried about everyone going back to normal life without me.

I'm glad Olly is at work again.

It did take me a good while to drag myself out of bed though. I spose that's easier if there is someone else here.