Sunday, November 11, 2012

Thoughts on being sociable.

I've noticed how draining it is being sociable. At first, it was the fact that smiling (and any other facial expression) pulled on the scar and hurt. It surprised me how much I smile in the course of general conversation. Laughing as well, that was frustrating, it really hurt to laugh. It was nice to see people during this period but I was always relieved when visitors left so that I could maintain a waxwork-like expression without being rude.

Now that the scar is healing more it no longer hurts to laugh and smile. But still it drains me to see people (who aren't family who I am routinely rude to anyway).

I think it's a combination of two things: one - the concentration needed to stay focussed on the conversation. My concentration is appalling, I can read books but only for five minutes at a time. Playing the drums is the same, I do it for five minutes and then have a little lie down. I can't focus on any one activity for long, even watching a film - I just lose interest.

Two - I realised I feel the need to pretend everything is normal. I have always been reluctant to be centre of attention, like being sung happy birthday to, and going into the office for the first time after a haircut. The first time I see people now, it's like I do everything I can to pretend everything is normal - so as not to be the centre of attention. And that's quite draining.

Although everything IS still normal, once you get past the "wow you've had brain surgery" and "I like your headscarf" lines. Apart from energy and concentration levels I'm the same as before. It is really good fun to see people and great to have normal conversations and remind myself how things can be, but it knackers me out. An afternoon on the sofa beckons.