Thursday, December 06, 2012

Under pressure.

Having always been a bit of a planner, it's annoying that there isn't some stake in the ground - a point in time by which I know I'll be fully recovered. How can I plan when I don't know how long it will take?

And how do I know if recovery is taking too long? I have nothing to compare it to, so feel this pressure to be recovered already. And be heading back to work.

I'm not very consistent in my own understanding of my recovery. Some days I'll convince myself I am totally ready to go back to work. Some days I can't bring myself to get out of bed. There doesn't seem to be any pattern, and there isn't anything visible to judge it on. I worry that people think I'm putting it on. Making it up.

I know they don't think that really, but I feel like I have to go over the top to explain myself.

There is progress, it's just not linear, and not visible. I feel a pressure for me to be better, be recovered more - and I put that pressure on myself. I feel guilty if I laze around not doing anything, but I feel guilty if I'm out doing something, because maybe that means I should be back at work.

I just can't win with myself.