Tuesday, October 23, 2012

And so here we are.

This is really what I was interested in, how on earth was this going to feel? And suddenly here I am. How did I get here?

Time has been elastic. It has moved so quickly and yet it feels like it's been forever. A day lasts a week and then a week flies by in a few hours. And now here I am, in hospital, waiting for brain surgery. Life is very strange.

Have I really got a tumour in my head? It just doesn't seem possible.

Right. Well, I better try and capture some sense as well. I am feeling ok now, quietly calm. The ward is nice and the nurses lovely. I've just taken some pills to knock me out but I'll be woken soon anyway for obs, and then again a few hours later for pre-surgery shower. So I'm actually not too worried about not sleeping, there won't be time to sleep.

After all that.

I also don't feel alone, I have the internet for one thing (no idea how, or why, but it's really improved the hospital experience). And it's good to be writing. I also have Luis. Will get a photo of Luis up on the photo page at some point, he is a felt turtle from my sister, to keep me company.

Up and down then I suppose. I was definitely in a panic before, but now I'm back on track. I'm hoping I just needed to get it out the way and realise the depth of the terror, so that it would lose it's power. That may have happened or it may have just abated and is lurking around the corner. I'll find out.

Thanks for all the messages. It's been a bit overwhelming today so I've been keeping a low profile but I really appreciate the kind thoughts everyone has been sending. Thank you.

I'm going to hope the pills work now. Night night all.

All becomes clear.

I can't remember the last time I was actually scared of something. It's not like starting a new job, or worrying where the cat's run off to. I'm actually, terrified. I'm not sure I have ever even been terrified before and it's a very strange feeling.

My heart is racing and has been for quite some time. I don't seem to be able to breathe properly. I keep bursting into tears. And it's annoying that I can't stop it. I think that's the difference - usually I can talk myself out of anxiety, or nervousness, or worry pretty easily - this is unstoppable.

I'm not scared of being alone, I think that must have been an easy cop out for me yesterday. It's pretty obvious now (duh, I feel like such an idiot). I'm scared of someone drilling open my head. They're going to actually open up my head - that is just. Ridiculous.

I bloody knew it would all come out now.

I had a shower earlier and thought I'd wash what hair I have left for the last time, with nice shampoo. Half way through I suddenly realised that my head is never going to be the same again. It will be different. Scarred. Bumpy. With metal in it. How on earth had I not realised this before? I felt really bad that I haven't taken more notice of the shape of my head, as now it's too late, it will be different. Sorry head.

I'm going to have a massive scar when I wake up and bandages and a drain coming out of my head. That's a terrifying thought. I wish my heart would slow down.

A bed for the night.

Right then, the bed manager has spoken and my bed awaits. It feels a bit too real now and I've got the shakes. Luckily Neville is lying so completely across my arms as I'm typing that I can only move the end of my fingers, so I can't actually shake.

I have been busy today, bought some new pyjama bottoms and a travel toothpaste for the occasion, and have been studiously ignoring my list of important things to do. Except the council tax bill, I did that.

But the time has come. I need to have a shower and pack. And then get myself to King's. Here we go.

I wish I didn't have to.

The steroid effect.

I found out the other day that if you take a lot of steroids for a long time you can get a certain symptom. I'm totally struggling to process all the simultaneous thoughts that occur from this horrendous news (thanks, mum, for telling me).

It's bad enough in itself (in my opinion if you have voluntary or enforced short hair then it's probably best if you're as tall and channelling-the-gaunt-look, as much as possible). But if you happen to know a specific sliver of my history then you'll also understand my horror from another view. Apologies to those who don't know that history sliver.

There's a chance I'll get a... Oh god no I just can't say it. I'm just going to have to give you the words and you'll have to put them together.


And "face".

Nooooooooooooooooooooo. Really. Not funny.

I have no free will.

The trouble with deciding not to worry is I don't actually have any free will so it isn't something I can control.
[I urge you to watch this, it took me a few goes to get but completely affected me, I loved it. I had always been a spot embarrassed about my taste in music / art / culture (I am not what you might call cool) but this whole lack of free will idea made so much sense to me and took away the responsibility I felt to like what everyone else likes. It was months ago now and I'd forgotten it's impact on me until yesterday, and seems just as appropriate now. This is the second Sam Harris plug I've done but I really recommend watching it.]
Random thoughts are popping into my brain, and it's not me who puts them there. What if this is the last time I can cut up my own food. Jesus. What did you think that for, dude? Stop crying already.

It's getting tedious.

But it's ok, it'll be daylight again in a bit and everyone else will soon wake up. My melodramatic what if's should recede to manageable levels once more as I get embroiled in last minute tasks I've saved up for today, to panic over specially.
  • Pay the outstanding council tax bill. Probably should have fast tracked that one.
  • Cut nails (What if.. SHUT UP BRAIN not listening)
  • Buy dressing gown
  • Pick up latest sick note from the doctor's
  • Tidy bedroom just a little bit as its quite embarrassing and people might see it if I'm away for a while
  • Decide on music and entertainment to take in with me
  • Join library and get audiobooks out
  • Pack hospital bag
  • Practice drums
  • Go to hospital

That's what my today looks like. Might just skip to the drums, that should wake everyone up. I can blame my unsociability on lack of free will.