Sunday, January 20, 2013

Life goes on.

In my first year at university I learnt about personality. I can't remember what the thing was officially, but the concept struck me as good. It proposed that you didn't have one clearly defined personality, but many (or an incredibly flexible one) - and you unconsciously used them differently depending on who you were interacting with. Hence the uncomfortable feeling when your friends meet your granny.

At the time I had many different groups of friends from different environments, and when they got together it felt strange. I didn't know who to be or how to act, so this idea made a lot of sense to me. I liked it.

When I started Henrietta, I was in a pretty weird place. None of the usual politics bothered me, and although I didn't want to offend anyone with what I wrote, my attitude was fairly blasé. I didn't really care that much to be honest.

Being ill had a way of focussing me. I could suddenly see really clearly what mattered - and what didn't. I became a single personality, the same person to everyone. I didn't feel the need to hide parts of me, or mould myself to what I thought people wanted me to be. I just was me. One of the best things was just being able to write. It was liberating: not giving a shit.

I made some resolutions during recovery, about how as I felt my way back to normal life I wouldn't slip back into the old ways. The ways that I had suddenly and clearly seen as unnecessary, like worrying too much and not aways saying what I think. I also resolved to do more exercise and eat more healthy and generally view this as a second chance, a way to start again (but better this time round).

None of these things have happened.

What I am particularly sad about is this loss of not caring. I now really question what I want people to know and I find myself not communicating as openly anymore. That's the real reason that I stopped writing so much. I can't be as honest. Life has got in the way.

It is sad, but it's real, actual, life. I feel naive to think that I really thought I could maintain the simple mantra. I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm very much looking forwards again and getting excited about the future. I don't actually mind that much really - it's been such an interesting experience but it's nice to feel a bit normal again.

Life goes on.