Tuesday, July 09, 2013

When I grow up.

It's odd to look back at last year, given how much has changed. The person I was then seems naive, and simple. But I wonder if that would always be the case when looking back at a former self.

Last year was momentous in many ways, we had such a good summer - carefree and excited about the future. Although if I honestly look deeper than the surface, it wasn't all great. I loved the Olympics and we did some really fun things, but I didn't feel well for months and there were other difficult times. I seem to easily overlook this in remembering.

It's easy to feel a bit sorry for the person I was a year ago, I had absolutely no clue what was coming up. In some ways that's the best way to be and so it's also easy to feel jealous of that person. I can never be that again - I know what can happen now, and it's always there at the back of my mind (has it grown back yet?). Also I know that I'll never know what else could happen. And anything could. Things will never quite be as carefree in the same way.

But - that feels like a good thing as well as a sad thing. It feels like we're all growing up. Quite suddenly everyone has stepped up a notch, moved forwards. Not that long ago we would go out and get raucously drunk and sing in the street at 3am. Now we meet for an afternoon drink with our babies and bumps and new boyfriends. Or husbands even.

Which is scary, because I haven't yet decided what I want to be when I grow up. I am now at this point in my life where everything is in the middle of changing. Emotionally, physically and psychologically, this year has changed me. What I want out of life isn't the same anymore - but I don't know what I do want.

This next six months is going to be the most different my life has been to anything I've experienced to date, I can't comprehend how different it will be. But I'm hoping to use it to figure out what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. Answers on a postcard please - I have absolutely no idea.

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