I had a really good chat with Oliver tonight before he went to chestershire club, and it just reminded me how incredibly lucky I am to be surrounded by brilliant people. Talking, honestly, can solve anything.
Anyway, in this really good chat, I was explaining to Oliver how I have been so up and down all day. About three times each I think, really quite a yoyo. I started off feeling this was totally unreasonable, as well as annoying as I just can't keep track of myself and control it. But then I realised actually that today has been a really big day in terms of news. And I think that it's all coming out now. I am panicking, big time. And that's a good thing.
I'm really glad Olly was at the hospital with me. It was useful to get his opinion of what happened this morning to overlay on my own thoughts. It turns out we were both quite shocked at how negative the news was, when we'd been really led to believe so far that it wasn't so bad. Now I know the worst, nothing has changed in reality, but it seems much more real. I am really very scared now.
I have been thinking a lot about how the next week will be and I think the panic will now grow right up until surgery. There is just too much to think about. I think I am more worried about how worried I will be in the run up, and how that will manifest itself.
So the learning for today is that it's ok to have an up and down day, when I've been dealing with new information and shock. But tomorrow I would like to be a bit more stable (less panic, less crying) and more calm.
Also - unconnected - I've been reading some Sam Harris about lying which is really good. But hard to implement. Love it though.