I knew I'd have a spot of trouble sleeping last night. I felt much much better when I went to bed than I had during the day. We had a really quiet companionable day. I managed to cook which I hadn't for a while and I love cooking. And Neville was being brilliant.
But this morning is my hospital appointment, and although I'll probably only be meeting a nurse and talking about the medication I'm on, it has been playing in my mind.
It's going to be more real. The surgery. I mean, there's no messing around now. This time next week I'll be being admitted tomorrow. So really it's time to start asking questions and preparing, and I'm looking forward to getting information on it so I can prepare, but it's still daunting and scary. And it doesn't take much right now for anything daunting and scary to just go round and round for hours.
I want to make sure I ask all the questions while I have chance. But I don't really want to know the answers. Except I do want to know as long as I have option to say nahhh, yer ok thanks. Which I don't. That might be the best paragraph I have ever written.
So I've been awake trying to work out what I'm worried about the most and why to remember to ask. It's actually hard to decipher specific things I'm worried about instead of the big whole so I think it's been a useful exercise:
- Long term memory problems / lack of ability to concentrate or multitask (I love my job but it is busy and manic in periods and I need to rely on these previous skills).
- Temporary loss or impairment to speech / sight / movement obviously. Just interested in what they are expecting.
- Getting back on my feet, most importantly how long until I can get home.
- Independence during recovery. Ok I'll cut to the chase, bedpans and commodes are plaguing my thoughts. I just want to be able to use the the bloody toilet on my own. If possible.
- Pain. How much will it hurt? (I really don't want it to hurt).
- What drugs will they expect to give me and for how long and what are the side effects.
- What's the ward like (can I see it?)
- When do they expect I'll be able to start running again? Fly again? Be me again.
- Are there any provisions for counselling and / or support during recovery?
- Can I bring my laptop into hospital?
- What's the deal with the head shaving, or any other prep I might need to do.
- What is the procedure. I want to know logistics and details. What do they screw my skull back in to? What position will I be in? How long... What's all this about a gamma knife?
- Do I need the groin thing. Yeesh. If so, when, because I have some serious maintenance to do. Which actually to be fair should be done before surgery anyway. And let's be honest, it's not the maintenance that's bothering me its the I getting injected into a groin artery. But still.
- Waking up post surgery, if at all possible, what the hell should I expect please?
There are some glaring omissions of course. But thought I better stick to questions I can realistically expect some kind of meaningful answer to. And I'm going to try really hard not to cry until I'm on the way home.
Ok. Brain dump over, should have don't this earlier I might have a little snooze now.