Sunday, October 28, 2012

Did that just happen?

Something that keeps fleetingly occurring to me is the sheer enormity of it. Then it goes again.

It first happened the night before surgery, in hospital, like I got a glimpse of the situation from another point of view. Then it was gone again.

After, it kept surfacing again but I put it down to the morphine. The horror of what just happened... have I just had something pulled out if my brain? Did they really just open my head?

In the shower in hospital I had a moment. I wept with relief. I'd survived. I'd just managed to balance on one foot while washing the other and that's always taxing, but it seemed ridiculous to be showering, and balancing on one leg, when I hadn't been sure I was going to be able to move said leg at all. 

It was a happy moment, but ridiculous too. I had to hold on to the wall and weep. And then laugh. I'd survived.

I think it will take a bit of time for the enormity of what's happened to sink in. It's ok to write about how you're processing experiences, but it doesn't mean you're actually processing them. Argh.

Surreal still, I guess.


  1. In between kipping and eating ice-cream with smashed up hob nobs in (or was that just me?), please keep writing. I think you'll find it really helpful in processing what's been going on, plus it means we can still read your brilliant words.

    Best wishes

  2. Just had some little tears thinking of you weeping in the shower ... and just thinking of everything you've had thrown at you in general!

    HUGE hugs Jenco