Saturday, October 13, 2012

Mind versus body.

The last couple of days I've really felt like I've made marked breakthrough, mentally. I am definitely more positive and more motivated and more in control of things. I've made proactive decisions, got a list (did I mention the list?) and actually had plans outside the house with a goal in mind. It feels like I'm looking forward again instead of reeling in the shock I was adamant not to be feeling.

The frustration has been that my body doesn't quite seem up to it yet. I knew I'd been weak but moping around on a sofa all day is going to do that to you. I think I thought that just deciding to be strong again would kind of just sort that out. It hasn't.

Yesterday for example, this is what I did all day:
  • Had a shower (a very quick one, short hait is brilliant in the shower. But it really took it out of me and I had to lie down to recover for twenty minutes)
  • Was driven directly to the train station, where I walked about 100 yards and up about 15 steps
  • Sat on a train in a daze, then walked about 50 yards and about 30 steps
  • Sat in a car without moving being chauffeured like a cellabritty
  • Sat / lay in a friends house all day like a primadonna
  • Walked about 300 yards slowly by the sea (it was lovely)
  • Was driven home to my door by the trusty chauffeur (in rush hour, having had no sleep herself due to toothy Flora)
  • Nearly died of exhaustion

I didn't even do anything all day! I was just so tired on the way home that I couldn't even move my arms. I had to psyche myself up into answering the phone, and I had spent the day literally sitting down.

Slightly worried about this and really it's quite frustrating. I just don't understand it as this tumour has been there for years, it can't be making me tired. The drugs have come down in dose now and realistically are not wasting my muscles away - they're bloody steroids for gods sake. And mentally? I just don't get that mentally trying to process big news can make me actually weak.

On the plus side though, my legs are quite thin. Shame I can't actually walk on them and show people.

Today we have a bit of a day planned and I think I might have been a bit over ambitious. Drinking tonight in Camden is looking unlikely after all. I wanted to do it for a few reasons, to make an appearance and say happy birthday, get the hideous hair situation out in the open, be a bit normal, achieve a mission and therefore feel better. (Notice I put all the selfish reasons at the end, should probably read that list backwards).

Anyway the point is I've kind of been working up to it and hoping it would be a watershed but after yesterday I am ready to abandon plans and that would be a shame. I need to make sure that it doesn't get me down though as that would be rubbish. I do feel like I have improved so much mentally and am way more positive, I don't want an aborted mission to set me back again.

Come on body - buck it up a bit!

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