Monday, October 08, 2012

Time for a bit of reflection.

I've been quite antisocial for a few days, can't quite put my finger on why but I've been ignoring emails, phone calls and skype calls, preferring to just let Olly deal with everyone. It's annoying because I don't want to be rude and I certaily don't want people to stop calling or coming around, it's just easier to hide away and not see anyone.

I think I'm feeling better today though, and actually when people are here it is fine - it's more the thought of it, or the thought of the effort.

I've also been spending a bit of time trying to understand my own thoughts about whats going on and my reactions to it. It's interesting that I am so exhausted when nothing much has really changed. I'm on the steroids of course, which everyone agrees will be havng some sort of effect, they just can't agree what that effect is. Some say they will make me lively and stop me sleepng, some that they'll wipe me out. Either way, I am v tired and I can't tell if it's the drugs, psychological, or sheer laziness now that I have an excuse to get everyone to run around after me.

An interesting thing happened yestedray, we'd been watching an eposode of Breaking Bad and when it finished I got up to go the loo. Momentarily I completely forgot about the brain tumour and fair sprinted down the hall. Then I remembered and was completely overcome with immediate fatigue - how does that work?! I have always had to push myself to not be lazy, I'm just hoping that I'm not going to take this opportunity to turn into a heffer.

I think I am feeling better today, better in myself, as in more normal in myself. I have a bit of a headache too, which actually is making me feel normal! Ridiculous that this is what it's come to.

Also, I'm back to feeling lucky. I don't like the word blessed, I guess because of the religious connotations, but I was reading a forum about head surgery (ill advised in my position) and someone had written that they felt blessed and it immediately struck a chord. The way that people have rallied around me is incredible, quite moving as well as humbling. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do, and family - and Olly's family - it's just a whole other level. I must take this for granted all the rest of the time as at the moment I feel physically bowled over by the concern and affection people have for me, and for Olly and for the whole situation. 

And everyone keeps saying that we're brave. I just don't see it that way, it is what it is, we don't have a choice and we just have to go with it. I guess if it was the other way round I would think that too - very strange how situations change when you're in them.

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