Monday, December 03, 2012

Positively relieved.

Well. I've been dreading today, publication day, for quite a while. Quite frankly, it's a relief I don't have to worry about it anymore - I'll be tomorrow's fish and chip paper!

I was worried about two things mostly:
  1. The photo. Of course. I've been having odd dreams about what the photo would look like. In it's natural state, my face is quite grumpy (and has big cheeks), so I have to make an effort to smile. But it didn't seem quite appropriate to be grinning like an idiot... so I think I grimaced a lot for the poor photographer. Also I could see my reflection in the lens (it was a huge terrifying lens) and it made me cringe. Would I be cringing out of the pages of G2?

  2. Up until now there has been at most, I reckon, two degrees of separation between me and readers of Henrietta. If you know me (or my family) it's harder to be rude and, to date, everyone has been very lovely. Suddenly, people who have no idea who I am could read this. Let's be honest - will read this. What on earth will they think? Guardian readers are hardly known for their compassion below the line...
Disclosure: I used to work at the Guardian some years ago. (It is still a favourite pastime of mine to read commenters ripping into each other and journalists and the Guardian itself).

In the end though I decided not to care (my dodgy-photo dreams aside). I would just let it happen, and not be hurt by any nasty comments, or ridicule myself about the photo. I no longer care what people think. Repeat: I no longer care what people think...

Ironically the one negative comment (so far) was, in part, about me being positive. At first I wasn't too bothered but when people started to endorse it (until it was inexplicably removed - I'm not sure why as it wasn't breaking any rules), I forced myself to really think about the authenticity of my positivity. What a mouthful.

But no, I was right the first time. I still feel incredibly lucky. It's 'unlucky', I guess, to have a tumour at all, but I really think I am in a better place because of it. That's not to say I'm happy that it happened and I certainly wouldn't want it again, but I now know where the best things lie in my life. I'm really not sure I would have discovered that without a proper wake up call.

One thing I didn't expect from this publicity lark, was the sheer number of people that would get in touch. I've felt a bit of a fraud at various points throughout this experience, and here is another reminder of that. I've had it easy (relatively) with my tumour as well as my recovery. There are so many people out there who have it worse, and they are contacting me to wish me well. Wow. 

I feel like we should all have a brain tumour party together and get drunk.

Also, I just read this tumour blog by finneyonthewing from start to finish - it's hilarious. Really made my day I should have read it a long time ago. Go on, read it.




16 comments:

  1. The photo is lovely, you look like a 1920’s film star about to tango. I know hair loss is devastating and I hope you have a little fun growing it out with all those hair styles you’d never normally try....the Jean Seberg....the Louise Brooks bob etc.
    It’s humbling to read your blog, as someone who was also recently in hospital and frightened, but had a good outcome. I wish you much luck and love and continued courage xx
    ps, I swear that plate of glutinous macaroni cheese made me cry, I had one just like it!

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  2. Jennie, you are no fraud. Thank you for being an inspiration and thank you for the massive plug.

    Maybe we should team up, you do the frank documenting of dramatic events, I'll swear lots.

    Take care buddy, hope to meet you in real life one day x

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    1. Definitely - what we need are more dramatic events to document and swear about!

      xx

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  3. PS. Biotin, 5000mcg a day helped my hair grow really fast xx

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  4. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you well: health, strength and happiness.

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  5. I have no idea who you are, read the print and followed to your blog. Just wanted to reassure you that I have no problems at all making negative comments about a blog of someone with a brain tumour any more than any other blog and that the reason I havent is, there's nothing negative to say.
    You come over as someone trying to be strong in a horrible situation. You are fairly honest, chatty and seem likeable. My main thought was, 'if I was there, could I be as chatty, open and likeable as that or would I be Letting the self pity take over as is my wont?'

    Will keep reading and wish you well.

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    1. Thanks very much - thats good to hear!

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  6. Great blog, I like your writing style and hope this has been a useful thing for you during recovery.I liked the pic of you in the Guardian and your more recent headscarf tips post and thought the except was very nicely done.

    Anyone who says nasty things can naff off and go back to the trollpit.

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  7. Yep, I want to wish you well and thank you for publishing your thoughts and feelings. Heroic in a totally human, real, inspiring way. Theres always negative stuff around, ignore it, you have contributed clearly not just to me, but waves of people just trying to make sense of a mainly crap world. all the best for the future xxx

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  8. Just read your article on the guardian and wanted to wish you well

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  9. I've been glued to your blog all morning! I'm 7 months further on (surgery in May) and so many of your thoughts and fears rang true. Once your hair has grown, no one will know (or may forget if they did know) what you've been through and that will be a new challenge. Good luck!

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  10. Thanks everyone for your kind words! Stay safe xx

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  11. Hi Jen,
    I've also just came across your Blog on the Guardian and just wanted to say thank you for sharing so honestly. I'm 31 years old and 7 weeks into recovery from having a large tumor removed from my pancreas, and your posts and experiences resonate so much! Its a bit creepy actually - so much of it reads exactly like my own account. Particularly about how amazing the NHS has been - I've been blown away by the compassion and professionalism of the nurses, doctors and surgeons.
    Good luck with the continued recovery!

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    1. Thanks v much - and good luck with your recovery x

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  12. Hi Jen
    I thought your piece in the Guardian was great, as is your blog.
    all best wishes, Dorothy

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