Monday, October 22, 2012

Budding Buddhist (for two days only).

Earlier, we talked a bit about Buddhism, which I realised I know absolutely nothing about. The interesting part for me (I still haven't read anything further so this is based on an incredibly narrow sense of Buddhism) was the notion of being just content with the current, and not creating suffering for the human mind by "wanting" something unattainable. Or uncontrollable - like the outcome of impending surgery.

I had been talking about hope, as a concept. Which I think in this context is in fact different - that it's ok to hope for the best (and most likely) outcome to an operation that you know is going to happen, but it's not ok to hope to win the lottery and then pin your future happiness on that (unlikely) event coming to pass.

Anyway, it made me realise something. I have always been a striver and a planner. There are things I want to achieve: work and life goals and measurements, fairly arbitrary it seems now, against which I would judge myself a success. And that has all gone out the window.

I feel no responsibility for my current situation. I know nothing about brain tumours and have no authority to say what is the best course of action for me now. I'm in the hands of the experts and they are telling me what to do. (And they ARE experts, they are incredible). It is comforting and easy to let that happen. Even at home I've not been well enough to care much about what I eat and when, all major decisions are being made by other people and I've totally taken a step back on being responsible for anything. For myself.

This is new, temporary, but really nice. I think I have always felt the burden of responsibility a little too keenly, and this is actually quite refreshing.

I think this is also connected to the feeling of a journey, like I'm on a conveyor belt. People say I'm brave on a daily basis, and I can see what that they mean in a funny kind of way, but I feel like a complete fraud.

I have it brilliant here, I don't see how I could have it better - and I certainly don't feel brave, I just feel... unresponsible, like a passenger, I'm not making any choices to be anything. It's just all happening, it just is. Very zen.

After surgery I am expecting this to change, and I want to definitely get back to talking responsibility for my progress. Recovery progress as well as life progress. So the Buddhism thoughts aren't likely to last, there is no chance I'll just be happy with the current - ha! But for now, it's great.



  1. Ya alreet ya nut job, ya think to much..... just read most of ya blog superfingers, am tired now but its very interesting.
    A found on some level i've been threw many of your emotions... a died may 2011 of multiple seizure's and now have a bad heart aswell, a had them injections in the groin and wires put thro iz connecting to me heart, even got offered head surgery at one point but the thought of speech impairement with my class crack, not happening! it was some rough times but you don't have a choice, ya have a solution, a very scary one at that but a solution. A was at neurology this morning(emergency appointment, some bad blood tests so we have to try another option). A don't have my independence anymore, can't plan ahead am always with someone, can't just jump on the bus by myself. A think am having the rant now haha, a even started writing me thoughts into me phone for a while and thought about should a write a letter to everyone just incase... all am trying to say really is am making progress and am happy and a will be back working sometime and am about to a have a risk assement done to see if a can join this nhs health centre so a can get healthy in a safe enviroment and this is a year after serious head trauma but every day after the may episode, i've been thankful a didn't die that day and some amazing doctors brought iz back around, a appreciate just what a have and except that its all going to take time but small steps become big steps just take ya time and don't count the days... good luck tmarra and sorry aboot the grammer xx

    1. And you're calling me a nut job! That sounds mental - what's your email address, need way more detail on this. I'm on xxx

    2. haha its a know its a bad e-mail. a was woundering when a was in oz why a never got reply's from job's xx