Monday, October 22, 2012

Thinking about going under.

I feel like I've pretty much processed everything now except for one thing: the operation itself. And the timing is good as I'm going into hospital tomorrow. Now would be a good time to get this processed.

It's simple, really. I'm very scared. I haven't gone much beyond that in my thinking so I need to work out what I'm scared of so that I can just park it. That worked really well with thinking through the possible side effects and I think it'll work here too.

I am being admitted tomorrow (Tuesday), so they can monitor me overnight and do whatever it is they need to do, but the surgery itself will be on Wednesday (hopefully - there is a chance I will get bumped last minute for an emergency. I'm ignoring this just now as it's just a variable too far).

The anticipation of the operation will be the worst, and so I'm very worried about Tuesday night in hospital.

I don't want to spend the night awake in hospital, terrified, alone, with dark scary thoughts going round my head. I will be alone, and I hate that. Visiting hours must end at some point, and then I'll be alone. I know I'll be ok, it's just I don't want to be alone. But I have to be so... I'll just have to deal with it as there isn't anything else to do. (I fully plan on demanding drugs to knock me out).

What else?

I think once I've made it through Tuesday night, Wednesday will be fine. I'm pretty sure by then I'll be like, bring it on. It'll be daylight, there'll be people there and I'll just want to get it over and done with. Not actually too worried about Wednesday. Wheel me away, give me anaesthetic and then I just do a spot of time travel.

It will be strange to wake up, will I know what's happened? Will it hurt? Will I know if Oliver's there? Will I be able to move? What will it feel like?

Can't answer any of these, and nobody can. It feels like a useless exercise even thinking about it actually. I'm just going to have to wait and see. I don't want to be in lots of pain, but I know they can give me relief and I'll still be very sleepy so I think that's probably not worth getting too worried about.

So that's it. Turns out all I'm really scared about is being alone. It seems simultaneously a bit of an anticlimax, but understandable.

Right, I'll get back to building a drumkit then, that was easy.


  1. Firstly, great blogmanship.

    Secondly, having been through what you're thinking about now, stay positive.

    It sounds like you have a great group of people around you.

    Peace be the journey

    Chris (FinneyontheWing)

    1. Wow, thanks Chris - I'm going to read your blog now, I purposefully haven't read anything else yet as a kind of self imposed internet diet, but i just skim read some and it's great. Thanks for commenting!

    2. Hey Chris, confession - I didn't read your blog before now as I caught sight of your scar and it terrified me (and I'd been practicing burying my head in the sand at that point). But I just read it, all of it. You're wrong, your blog is SO much better than this, it's hilarious. You should definitely keep it up. It's weird how many similarities I felt reading it, in between proper laughing. I hope you're feeling better since your last post. Thanks!

  2. Good luck Jen. I know that's not really appropriate, but if you can mentally replace that with the well meaning and heartfelt sentiment of your choice, that'll be great. Not sure I approve of the drumming though. ;) xx

    1. Cheers JB, can't wait to catch up after - will def win you over on the drums xxx

  3. Jen

    I'm thinking about you a lot, moved by your writing, affected in a subtle and unquantifiable way, though finding it hard to process.

    So that's my issue right now, a sense of powerlessness, conscious that what is happening to you can happen to anyone.

    I feel heartened and grateful to you for sharing your fears and hopes.

    I know that you are greatly loved, and this too moves me.

    The drum project seems like an excellent and life affirming idea. Go for it!

    The loneliness of the hospital ward is something I know very well. It's scary but survivable.

    Maybe... try not to fight your own presence, or make an enemy of your body. Focus on your breathing...

    I believe you are in safe hands.

    Debbie xx