Thursday, October 11, 2012

Contemplating surgery.

I have been forcing myself to think more about surgery because it's frankly just a bit weird that I'm not worried about it. It's like I have this ability to just cut it out of my thoughts and although I know it's going to happen, it just doesn't seem like it's going to happen. I can totally ignore it. I don't think this is very healthy as it all needs to be processed at some point and I don't want a big crash just before I go in.

So I've been forcing myself to actually think what it might be like. Not too pleasant really.

It's been easy to fixate on my cutting of hair, and calling the carpenter and such things, why is it so hard to be honest with myself about being terrified?

Mostly what I'm worried about is the moment they wheel me away and from then on I'm on my own. Even thinking about that makes me feel alone, right next to Olly, he's just there - but I'm on my own in this and there's just no choice, I have to do this - on my own. It kind of makes me hyperventilate a bit just thinking about that no going back moment. I remember it from my nose operation but I think this will be worse. Trying so hard to be fine, and not hysterical and a nuisance patient but at the same time being so utterly alone. I don't really want to have to do that.

That's one bit - the before. Mum says I can ask for drugs to help me sleep the night before in hospital so hopefully that will be great. Not sure I'd sleep at all otherwise. And then I won't know anything about it - I'll be totally unconscious and blissfully unaware of anything going on in my head. The others will have a terrible day stalking corridors and trying to occupy themselves. I really don't envy them that but I am a bit relieved that I'll not be aware of anything until I wake up.

And then there's the waking up. What the HELL is that going to be like? Well firstly - it's going to hurt right? You can't really have someone cut open your scalp, saw into your skull, take a lump out (easily or with some difficulty), screw it and sow it all back up and have it "not really hurt". I really am not good with pain, so I think this is my major source of denial. I just can't understand what it will feel like and it's the whole unknown thing that is getting to me I think. Yes, it will hurt - but will it be tolerable? And what will the side effects be? And how long will they last?

What if I can't speak, or see, or move my arm and leg? What if I can't get to the toilet? What if it's so bad I have to stay in hospital for ages? I know - I KNOW - this is all really unlikely, but it is a possibility that I should contemplate. And not knowing how it will be is really the problem. I just can't prepare myself for something that is so up in the air. The only thing I can do is have the operation and see what happens. This is a whole new way of life for me - "see what happens". 

Gahh, anyway, I am starting to think about it and although it brings me out in a panic each time I do, I think it's good to try and get my head round it. Now I have a date, and a list, and a bit more strength I think it's definitely time to start dealing with it.

*Little clarification, I haven't had a nose job! Had to have my nose put back in the middle of my face after a rounders incident when I was 10. About a half hour operation but with a general anaesthetic it's my only source of experience for this. Mostly I was traumatised about the length of the gown they made me wear to theatre, they only had baby ones left which didn't quite reach my waist. And they're backless. And you're not allowed to wear pants. This was very disturbing and I clearly haven't quite got over it yet.

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